Don’t you just hate that? No? Okay good because this entire post is going to be somewhat vague, on purpose (to protect the lives of the innocent).
Just kidding. The only life I’m trying to protect at this moment is my own. But I’m still going to be vague.
I was lying in my bed last night, well past my bedtime, thinking about…what else…life.
Yes, life. The one thing that perplexes me more than love.
More importantly…where is my life going at the moment? And what do I want it to go? Is it the same? Am I off track? What about my current life am I unhappy with? What can I do to change that?
These are not questions you should ask yourself at 11:30pm on a Monday night. Mostly because you have a whole work week ahead of you in which these distracting questions will remain unanswered. And if there’s one thing I hate in this world, it’s not being able to think something through. Or not having the time to think it through.
Which is the dilemma in my life. I will NEVER be able to answer all these questions I have about my own life. How frustrating!
The bible teaches us to not try to be our own God. There is but one God. And it is certainly not us. Or at least not me.
(Note: I do not think this is an excuse for the #YOLO method of life though. What joker thought of that?! Nor do I prescribe to the “it all happens for a reason” methodology. In fact, let’s just leave my world views vague for today).
I’ve decided if there’s anyway to tackle HUGE questions like these…it’s to break them down. My first question that has me dancing dizzily in circles is: What are my goals/dreams?
On the surface this is pretty easy to answer. I want to live a comfortable life. I want to get married, raise children, buy a house, etc. etc. You know, typical American dream type stuff.
Most of my dreams/goals are vague. On purpose. They’re made to keep me dreaming. And they’re made to be limitless. If I have a concrete goal of “get my MBA with a focus in marketing” it’s going to be met someday whereas “continue my higher education” is slightly more open ended and could mean all sorts of things. I would love to get a degree in history or computer science!
Do you see how this is double edged? Some days it’s amazing to know I have a whole life ahead of me to do what I want; to be who I want to be. And some days it’s annoying that I feel like I haven’t achieved anything, even though I’ve probably achieved 10 times as much as the average 20-something.
I’m going on and on.
My point is that today I realized the only one over-reaching yet solid goal in my life is to move back to England. All of the steps leading up to that are blurry. (Well, it’s pretty well though out in my head, but I haven’t acted on anything yet).
I feel so petrified of ruining my own life that it paralyzes me. I’m like on a hiring freeze. I can’t do anything. I’m like Sherlock: “Don’t move. Don’t speak. Don’t breathe. Anderson, face the other way, you’re putting me off.”
Oh the limitless Sherlock references I can make…
I guess if I can’t figure out my life, at least I can keep calm and quote Sherlock.