Over the last few months I’ve felt really off balance. Too much this, not enough that. It’s really thrown me for a loop. Last week I sat in the parking lot of the car dealership crying on the phone to my best friend because everything just felt all wrong. And, bless her for even picking up the phone, she told me something along the lines of: “You’re young, you’re beautiful, you have so much ahead of you. Don’t cry because you’re too pretty to cry. Remember all the things you used to love? Live your life again. Go out and have fun. Don’t let any one thing bring you down. You are your own person. Stay that way.”
She was so right. And that’s when I knew I had to get my life back in order.
Less drinking (sorry, bottle of Honey Jack, we’re breaking up).
More Beyonce dance parties at home alone in the evenings (because that’s the only way I’ll truly break a sweat and not hate my life).
Less eating out (so I don’t get toooo fat)
More cooking at home (a few new recipes a week? I can manage that. It’s all like a fun science experiment!)
Less worrying, more enjoying. .
Less crying, more laughing.
Less overanalyzing. More counting of my blessings.
And most importantly: less sitting around contemplating this or that scenarios, writing missives in my head, and micro-scheduling my life and more….living. More painting. More learning. More freelance design work. More crafting. More reading.
I’ve never felt bothered by doing things alone (even going to the movies, I know, I’m a sad sad person) but that doesn’t necessarily mean I always want to be alone. And it seems I’ve lost the ability to even be alone for a weekend…when I used to spend every weekend alone (again, I know I’m a sad sad person). What did I used to do? I remember there was a short period in my life where I literally lived alone for two months doing absolutely NOTHING. Not a single thing. Sometimes I wouldn’t even leave my apartment for over a week. Yet I managed to fill that time and it was one of the happiest in my life.
I need more of that feeling, now. More being okay with being lazy but more motivation to work on personal projects. More time with V and my friends, but also more time to remember who I am when I’m alone.
What a difficult struggle (dare I use” Mein Kampf”?) but oh man do I ever love a good journey.