I’m clearly deranged. Or depressed. Perhaps a bit of both. It’s been a little over 3 weeks since I landed in America, the Beautiful and I can’t seem to shake the tormenting, depressing, longing feeling for England I have. Made even worse by the fact that while I was there I closed a lot of chapters in my life….college, traveling, being 21….and then I come home, it’s a new year, I’m not in school anymore. It’s clearly “adult” time. Time to get a “real” job, a car, an apartment…time to make my own life and dreams come true. But in these 3 weeks since I’ve been home, I can assure you, zero dreams have come true. I’m stuck in this in-between of not wanting to let go of England, but knowing I have to in order to move on with my life. I’m not 21 and abroad anymore. I’m 22 and in need of a real job that pays the bills. Instead of looking for jobs or working on other important life items (finding a car, acquiring furniture for my apartment), I find myself desperately wanting to re-live moments from Europe…to look at the pictures, to read my daily journal, anything to make the experience real again…but then I know doing so will make me ever more depressed so instead I end up doing something completely escapist like watching a movie or eating…most of the time, both. I admit, this is a tough “first world pain” to have. I need to shake this feeling so I can move on with my life…but I don’t WANT to move on with my life, just yet…but I know I have to.
See the dilemma? I’m not glad, per se, that someone else is going through these feelings as well, but a friend I met while at EHU is basically where I am, graduated, conflicted…it makes being here while all my friends are off finishing their last semester of college, a bit easier and less lonely and isolating.
Can I insert an audible sigh right here?
Enough wallowing for the day. Must look for jobs.